Saturday, July 4, 2009

Memories of a Hillbilly Fourth

The following story is true. The names have not been changed to protect anyone because I think it's funny to humiliate them.

Several years ago my brothers, Jeff and Phillip, and a group of other friends and family members (all of the male gender) decided to make a homemade "firecracker" (between you and me it was a black powder pipe bomb).

I believe it was Jeff that made the actual "firecracker".

In an attempt at being "safe" someone decided to use a line of black powder to light the wick so they wouldn't have to stand close to the "firecracker".

Jim (who was very new to hillbilly shenanigans at that time) suggested they test the black powder line first.

They laid down a separate line and our friend Brian was naive enough to light it.

What happened next is 4th of July legend in the Ozarks.

In less than an instant there was a massive flash of light. From a distance, those of us at the house heard a loud and clear "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!" Only (in the word's of Ralphie) he said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word.

It echoed throughout the hills and hollers of the Ozark Mountains. "Fu, Fu, Fu, Fu....."
Not certain if he was on fire or not, Brian did a precision stop-drop-and-role.

Although he was not technically on fire, Brian did suffer from burned hair and eyebrows. Luckily, Lasik eye surgery was not affordable back then, so Brian was still sporting glasses which probably saved him from a life of blindness.

The boys went on to set off the "firecracker" using a slow burning cigarette as the wick. It went off some 20 minutes after they lit it, waaaaaaaaaaay out in the field.

And to make up for his near death experience Brian got a free haircut and eyebrow trim from my mom out of the deal. We felt it was a fair trade. Brian doesn't really hang out with my family anymore. Hmmm.

PS. The picture has absolutely nothing to do with this story, but it's my only July 4th picture, I like it, and it's my blog, so deal with it.


Mom said...

I so remember that 4th. Brian brings it up every once in a great while. He always laughs about it!! He's a good sport.

kelly.harris said...

Brian went to see your Mom today to get his haircut, your Mom told him to look this up, I laughed so hard I could barely see through my tears to actually read the whole thing!!! This is not a story I've ever heard, let's just say he's gotten wiser since we got together :)

Angie said...

Kelly, glad you enjoyed it! How dare Brian not tell you of these embarassing moments? I simply must put some thought into bringing more of these to your attention!
Miss ya Brian!